The tornado
A loud siren shoots off. The teacher shrieked, “Everybody
get down and hold hands, TAKE COVER!”
The children's hearts sink as kids cry out. “The tornado! We are going to die!” A girls hand quivers as she reached for her peers hand.They looked downwards as a thrashing gust of wind
comes towards them. They pray as the tornado hits them.
As
the weather changed, they looked at each other in shock. Kids cry, as
parents cars race towards there school. Tears filled up parents eyes as their
children run towards them alive. This horrific day will never leave their
sides, never to be forgotten.
Your sentence should read, The children's hearts sink as kids cry out. Not, The children hearts sinks as kids cry out. A girls hands quiver as she reached for her peers hands. Should be changed to, A girls hand quivers as she reached for her peers hand.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to write- run towards them alive, because if they are running then they are obviously not dead, unless they are zombies.
ReplyDelete-when it's something belonging to someone its apostrophe s, so peers hand would be changed to peer's hand.
ReplyDelete-I think you should change "This horrific day will never leave their sides" to "That horrific day will always haunt their minds"
-change "parents eyes" to "Parent's eyes"
-when you said"Tears filled up parents eyes as their children run towards them alive" i think you need a comma after them