Behind Walls
I stepped
in the gates of the horrific, mauve prison, that took my mom away from me. I glanced around hoping I’d see her, just like I remembered her. Scanning
behind each steel
bar.
I grinned and shrieked, “This is her, my mom. Open up the cell!” The officer swung the keys and opened the cell. My mom’s tearful face was right in front of me. I swung my arms around her wrapping her up. I stepped back wiping my tears off my face. Under her bed, I saw some carrots… mom's favourite. “Life hasn’t been the same without you. I love you mom.”
I grinned and shrieked, “This is her, my mom. Open up the cell!” The officer swung the keys and opened the cell. My mom’s tearful face was right in front of me. I swung my arms around her wrapping her up. I stepped back wiping my tears off my face. Under her bed, I saw some carrots… mom's favourite. “Life hasn’t been the same without you. I love you mom.”
I think you need a comma after the word /bed/ in the 8th sentence. Also you need to double space after a period, and you should divide your story into paragraphs, where a new idea comes. also in your 7th sentence you wrote / I stepped back wiping my tears of my face./ you wrote /of/ I think you meant /off/ because it makes more sense like that.
ReplyDeleteThanks
DeleteYou need to start new paragraphs when a person talks. Also, the first sentence that was in quotation marks does not make sense. Instead, write it like this, "This is her, my mom. Open the cell now."
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteI think that you should add a period in the last sentence rather than a comma "Life hasn't been the same without you. I love you."
ReplyDeleteAlso I have no idea who is speaking the last sentence. Is it the mom, or the child? You should make that more clear.
Thank you, and yes I wrote / I love you mom/ in the end to clarify.
Delete